Thursday, 1 May 2014

Excerpts from an inner monologue

Why the hell again.

The other day, I dropped to a recruitment agency to test the water, they gave me a card and told me to mail my CV. I mailed the only one I have, written by my friend Pete when I applied for a part-time teaching gig. It's full of interesting things - that I [sort of] know Eastern Old Norse and similar. Well, back in the day, I sort of knew some Eastern Old Norse.
Which is both reason and explanation why I should get my attention deficit and memory troubles treated.
I didn't hear back from the agency, maybe when I'm in the town, I'd throw the hard copy at them. Or maybe I should muster a version with shorter words.

Grandma has cancer and the relatives who generally care only when there's a party with a lot of free food are visiting both grandma and us, we live around the corner and there's free booze or something. Obviously, not all relatives are greedy jerks, and one of these is my cousin who is generally amiable... but one of those boisterous extroverts. I told her about my mental issues, both those that thrive on their own and those that are work-fed, when she was visiting around Giftmas. A week or two or three (I don't remember. Me and calendar - disconnected) ago, she dropped by, I didn't want to talk about work but she or my mom asked about something, I said it sucks. She told me moreless this:
So you're complaining that work sucks, that your nerves are on the go, and you're doing nothing at all. How many interviews you had, heh? None at all. Did you apply for some jobs? No. Did you try to do something-or-another? No. So I have to infer that you're actually happy about your current state of affairs. Maybe you should stop complaining.

Oh yeah, when depressed, one is always ready to spring into action, always alert and thinking sharp and clearly, sure about oneself so getting things done is so easy.
I'm lazy and it's no big secret.
Another publicly known fact is that I'm introvert, sociophobic and with long-term mental issues that just... well, sometimes I'm almost physically paralyzed and it takes a lot of effort to uncurl and go and do something. Sometimes I'm paralyzed mentally in a similar fashion. Add all those memory and concentration issues and there I am, sitting among piles of papers to be dealt with, desperate, because I don't know where to start, I know that back in the day, I was damn good in logistics and organizing, and now I don't know what to do. Two hours later, nothing is done, I'm just more guilty.

I mentioned to BossDad that I would actually welcome if he told me that he employed someone. That I somehow inferred it from the contracts to sign and file, mixed into a bunch of other paperwork, but I'd rather be informed beforehand. He started an exercise in blame shifting - I don't know it because I don't talk to my deputy, it's all my fault, obviously. I grumbled something, got scolded for grumbling and replied that, the hell, I'm doing the things as best as I can but I refuse to do any liking of my job or positive attitude or similar shit.
It wasn't the first exchange of this sort we've had, and as always, his general response was two-fold and basically Things are complicated even elsewhere and So what would you like, I'll make that job for you. I'm 35, for fuck's sake, I can find a job. I guess it would take me half a day to have a contract for something I'm capable of doing, better paid, with less responsibilities. Janitor, sales clerk, anything - not that it would be a dream job but at least minimum legal wage would mean an improvement, and the possibility to drop everything after 8 hours and go home and have an actual life. Okay, I'm repeating myself. And, yes, I do know that everywhere, there are issues. But, in this case, the issues just added up and overwhelmed me and I know I need a long sick leave to pull myself together, to start with. I stopped seeing the shrink for the usual reason - I think I'm not doing enough, I finished my meds again so I'm off them... and I feel too guilty about it to go and see him. I feel too guilty to talk to many people because I'm still annoyed and forgetful and generally a pain in the arse. I'm afraid my cousin isn't the only one who thinks it's just a bad attitude of mine.

Whatevs. I'll go and fetch some donuts, try to print herbary tags so that I can sort out my dried plant matter and I'm pretty sure that the work won't do itself meantime so what's the point.