Saturday, 13 November 2010

Today has been one of those days. I woke up and wished I could spend some time in that half asleep state forever. Or at least until matters improve.
When I got up and regained my equilibrium, I wanted to be preferably dead although I would probably be okay if I could dig a burrow and stay there until matters improve.
Yesterday I got a decent dose of You're fat, ugly and lazy yesterday so I hoped that today, parents might shut up at least for a while. Obviously they didn't. Also, twice in two days I got a lecture on how I should dress more professional than I dress, which gets an extra dose of absurdity when I'm cleaning, wearing worn and not exactly clean stuff and when parents could have noticed ten years ago that the farthest I go in this garb is the trash bin.
I've never gone as far as cutting myself but I do something similar mentally. I've brought the art of self-abashing to professional levels. Sure I could get better clothes and something more professional than baggy jeans and baggy sweatshirts but I don't deserve anything better than slightly dirty, somewhat crumpled, misfitting and anything but flattering stuff. After all, I'm fat, ugly and lazy. And can't afford it anyway.

I need a shrink. That fever, fatigue and sore eyes might be toxo or mycoplasma. But the other sort of fatigue, being tired with life itself, that's depression indeed.


  1. Virtual communication is the best way to rant. Honestly, I can understand what you're going through because this week I got such a tongue bashing from my sister that I'm still thinking how much does she actually hate me? The worst thing is, I cannot even talk about it to anyone because it hurts too much. And it seems that 2 days after she completely forgot she said all those thing and acts like nothing happened.
    I know you know you are none of those things your parents said but honestly, shouldn't family know you better? That's a rhetorical question I keep asking myself over and over.

  2. Ines, thanks for chiming in. I at least feel heard.
    My parents are actually really nice, they just fail to understand my mentality, emotions and the whole package. I've even explicitly stated that if I visibly feel crappy, I need chocolate, some meaningless reassuring words and peace. To no avail, I still get something like It doesn't cost you anything to be nice to people.
    I'm sick. Apart from depression, there's some crap that causes all the fatigue and crankiness and I hope the docs find out what to do with that because I'm barely able to function. Sigh.

  3. :)
    I read your comment and kept thinking, oh my parents are nice too but my mother fails to understand me completely. Well, not just me, my father as well and she always shields my sister from all the s**t her actions and words produce.
    I sincerely hope they find out soon what is ailing you, it sounds like a seriously disabling state you are in.
    And for myself, I hope I manage to change a bit my family dynamics.

  4. Ines, I did try to change my family dynamics but I utterly failed. Both my parents are totally sure that there's no fault at their respective part and that the others should change. In fact, mom is still trying to change me - but I hear all mothers are the same.