Thursday, 6 October 2011

And now about something completely different.

It's no secret that I've gone through some eating disorders. I still struggle with disordered eating - I learned not to count kilojoules even in the toothpick I used to poke that tomato peel from behind my molar but I haven't managed to somehow eat normally, regularly, without periods of restriction or binging. Well, restriction isn't what it used to be in those glorious days when I used to eat twice a week, when those meals might be a bottle of sour milk or vegetable broth.

By the way, starving gets you a nice high. I tried to look up that article which was published on ScienceBlogs some time ago, which compared the brain's response to cocaine and to starving and it was pretty similar but my search powers failed me. Anyway, I don't find starving particularly difficult. I can just do it. My daily food struggle is between Eat all the things! and Don't eat at all!, along with a metaphorical Muppet flail.

And then there's an eternal fight, which is actually not a real fight, between me and my parents. Yesterday's debate started by my mother expressing her opinion which ran like You're a filthy pig. She was led to this opinion by my stuff just spread around in my place. I'm bored with this endless passive aggressive games and loads of bullshit so I said that since the place is messy but clean, I protest against both filthy and pig. Fast forward an hour to something like You are not able to follow a diet later than until the lunch, you're a glutton with no willpower. I tried to explain some of the emotional component but was told that this is not about any emotions, that all I need to do is to skip meals. Or some such. The whole discussion was pretty pointless. Although I was willing to explain, the other party wasn't willing to let me finish a sentence and even less so to actually think about what I'm saying. Food is not related to emotion, I was told, and after all, emotions are just irrational crap and anyone who has a bit of willpower will do just what they need to do, regardless of their feeling, and this is the right way to do.

Really, the easiest thing is not to eat. I'm really really attracted to the idea. To prove that I have that willpower. To be able to say Now I'm a sick wreck, are you happy with me and my willpower, and am I finally thin enough for you?

I hear that people cut themselves to deal with tension buildup - compared to the physical pain, the inner one wanes, or that's how I imagine it. I prefer walking in the cold, fingernails turning blue do the some thing for me. The rather nice Indian summer refuses to cooperate, there's not even a bit of biting wind.

I had a breakfast, admittedly, but otherwise, I'm just letting things be. I'm not thinking about any balanced diet and useful nutrients or the sensibility of getting a dinner. I'm down and disgusted and since I live with my stupid, pointless, no-good and irrational feelings for quite a while, I sense that I won't feel like finishing that unwrapped bar of chocolate which is sitting on my table at home. That self-starvation high is actually pretty cool.


  1. No offense, but I told my sister the same thing today, albeit in other context.
    You're your own person and shouldn't feel the need to explain yourself to anyone. and especially someone who won't even listen (who is usually a parent).
    Live your own life as YOU want it. Everybody else will fall into place, or out of your life (in which case they had no business being there in the first place).

  2. Thanks, Ines. I'm working hard on that.

    I just decided that I should dedicate more blog space to my long struggle with eating disorders, to get it all out and likely to elucidate people - I'm of two minds on this issue. I know that I shouldn't be ashamed but I simply am. But there's so much stuff for good, if somewhat gloomy stories which may explain quite a bit about me to folks around me that I thought it would be a good thing to go for it.

  3. Being honest is always the right choice if you ask me (especially if it's about your own feelings). :)
    Nobody is perfect and we all have our own demons to slay (they just might not appear as such to other people).

  4. Ciao Linda
    My experience with "willpower" is very ambivalent; sometimes it might be helpful, but at the end emotion(s) count.
    In my opinion, food is basically linked with emotions, bad and good ones. Eating something yummy, made out of fresh and tasty ingredients, (and to enjoy it) is a good way for me to lift my spirits. And cooking in general for me is a good way to relax.
    Cari saluti, L.
    PS: I'm very interested in what you are writing, it doesn't matter wheter it's about spinning, perfume or eating disorder

  5. Morticia (Perfume Shrine)5 November 2011 at 01:40

    Hi Linda,
    The Perfume Shrine brought me to you. About your Mom ranting that your house is "Messy" hmm is that the right word, I can relate. My parents conveniently built a house next door to me (when they foud out where I was building)I think because I'm 59 and divorced and don't intend on remarrying and the only single child on 6 siblings. Anyway, my Mother used to drop by (unannounced) and I'd let her in. We would have coffee and talk about whatever she thought was important (mostly bitching about my Dad) then eventually she would "Start". "You used to be" is her favorite line. Eventually I told her that I'm not what I used to be, Organized (not messy),Clean ( not sterile)etc., all these things and more, although I must admit to being a bit of a hoarder, and this is where my willpower ends ( putting up with her drivel). I eat whatever and whenever I want,I clean when I feel like it and I do all these things and more, because I am 59,single and my daughter moved out many years ago. I don't have to wait,clean up after,feed or anything anymore "I used to be or used to do" is no more. Finally one day, I told my Mother to "Call before she dropped buy" ( I could make an excuse for why I wasn't going do be home) then. I think she got the hint and I think she told my siblings too.

    Sometimes when she starts the "You used to be and you have no willpower) thing, I remind her that I put down a pack of cigarettes 35 years ago without any drugs, groups and other things that are supposed to help you stop smoking all by myself. That's "WILLPOWER" I say. Maybe that's why I eat a little too much now and then. Enough of my rambings.

    I just wanted to comment on your site and all of it's content. Thank you

  6. Morticia, thanks for dropping by and for commenting.

    Parents are apparently always somewhat difficult... but, well, mine are immensely funny at other times. Such as today.