Wednesday, 23 October 2013


I'm struggling with severe depression, which is probably already widely known.
On the top of it, there's some work-related stress, seasonal affective disorder and random crap.
I had a meltdown some time ago and got new psych meds which should work better. Or work at all.
The problem of psych meds is that they need their time and it seems to me that they finally kicked in, or at least I don't feel that bad. However...
My major issue is apathy. Or, it's not much of an issue because what the heck. Not that I would lie in bed and stare into the walls, I just go about my shit as diligently as possible but I just don't get involved emotionally too much, often not at all. My major feeling is Go away and don't disturb my circles. Five minutes after a minor bout of anger, I'm back to the general Meh, life.

I guess it's a coping mechanism. I just detest my work 99% of the time (the 1% is peaceful paper shuffling), I have hardly any time outside work and sleep and the brain takes it as it comes and as it goes. Floods in Bangladesh? Can't do anything about it, meh, next. My hair caught fire? Damn nuisance, hand me that bottle of water, let's open the window so that the place doesn't stink like burnt protein, meh, next.
There is some sort of meditative quality about this feeling that nothing really matters.

Or I'm deeply mentally disturbed. Not that I'd care.

1 comment:

  1. I read this with a guilty and sympathetic feeling in my throat, lumping there as I went on. Depression is no laughing matter and no pat on the back "it will go away" helps to provide solace and comfort. Not even having those close to you be physically and emotionally close helps much either I suppose, because the person who's depressed has just upped a notch and crossed the border into apathy, as you say. Meds however do work. I have someone in my entourage (of a much more advanced age though) who has been going through a particularly rough patch due to fatal illness and meds have helped, though they did take their time. With the crisis I see (and sometimes feel) more people are on their way there.

    I suppose it's one day at a time. Getting the pain out in some -non destructive- way also helps. I promise I will keep an eye on you. ((((L))))