Sunday, 6 July 2014

Lazy

I'm legitimately doing nothing.
No, I'm not relaxing in the psych ward, I just went to see a friend and I'm just sitting in someone's armchair, reading stuff and knitting.

It's all the same story. Stress, depression, stress, depression, just in different shades. I got a deputy of sorts, a person who does a part of dealing with idiots for me and she was off for a week so I needed to survive the communication with employees. So far for running a business in countryside. Half of the natives are inbred or something and the other half is no the dole and doesn't want to work. The whole district... well, I guess one should go Medieval on them and invite settlers from Saxony or S├╝dtirol to cultivate the land, build roads that last and all that stuff as the kings did it back in the 13th century. The current residents might be shipped to North Korea, they vote for commies, nazis and iterations of thereof in every election anyway.
The who guessed that I don't like the general area was right.

Which is besides the point; summed up: work sucks as ever. Before leaving for Vienna, I was in a lousy mood, at which point I just try to be polite but not really cordial. I don't feel like talking because I don't feel that I have something to say, something that people may be interested in. And, I got into a rather nasty row with my mom. Due to foaming adrenalin, I fail to remember what exactly made me explode. She asked about work, I told her, complaining a bit but not much, I didn't really feel like talking, and then she started yelling at me that I'm just whining all the time and she had a dental surgery and says nothing, and her work sucks and she doesn't complain either, and that I'm a little lazy wimp. Well, at a point, I said that I refuse to listen to this, grabbed my glass and slammed the door to go and cry in the kitchen. Mom followed me, yelling stupid questions such as Who brought you up this way. I hate this because it's idiotic and accusatory and just manipulative and damn, I'm not going to say the expected Mommy dear, you raised me perfectly well but I decided to be mean, for which I sincerely apologize. Well, I answered, I think, along the lines of You should know the answer best. There was more to that and I didn't avoid the confrontation by saying nothing because I used up all my self-control to not throwing objects at my mother or just anywhere around, I just smashed a box of tomatoes.

At which point, I'm probably already deemed an intolerable piece of agressive shit and now everything is going to be my fault, which is strategically significant problem. Not that I'd be able to care too much. Not that I cared about this clash either, this happens from time to time, usually I break some glass and life goes on. It just generally sucks, this depression thing.
And then I went to Vienna, walked around the town, saw friends and did all that normal stuff I can't do in Middle-of-Nowhere where I work. My feet are swollen becuase apparently I've deteriorated so much that some windowshopping makes me exhausted.
Things have gone wrong. I just can't find a way how to fix them.

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