Friday, 4 February 2011

Just ranting, bear with me.

I'll be 32.
I've been depressed, on and off, since I was 14 or 15.

More than half a lifetime.

Well, there were the times off depression, off medication, I was thin (well, I'd have to dig out pictures, even then, I thought I was fat), I managed doing things, I travelled, I walked a lot and never felt too tired. For real, those were around three years between my 22 and 25 or such. And I sewed a lot and wore the clothes regardless of what my mother said. I didn't think much about her nagging or people looking odd at my hat with sunflowers.

I started a fashion blog. Well, not that it would be a fashion blog proper, it's rather making fun of fashion bloggers, showing that I wear rather a narrow range of clothes, all in the same style. However, I became a bit more aware of what I am wearing and how does it look because photographs are teh bitch. I also noticed increased spendings on clothing-related crap and urgent need to own more than four pairs of shoes, which probably has something to do with the fact that I discovered the existence of pretty shoes in size 42 and I want to catch up with years of blisters and shoes that don't fit. Or maybe another blog is just another useless idea and the Universe punishes me by draining my money away.

I have an urge to stop eating these days. Not eating is fun, one big adrenaline rush. Well, yeah, sometimes one may stumble or even fall because lack of blood glucose is teh bitch too... but. Now, I know I'm not rational, reasonable, sensible and such. I was anorexic and bits of my brain apparently never recovered. But, by objective measures, I'm fat anyway.

Next paycheck goes towards two bags of yarn, camera repair, bills... and for the rest, I'll get a special jar. Because, what's in bank, can be way too easily accessed through the visa card, while jar is safely in the bookshelf when I'm eyeing the cute crap in a store or on fleabay. Said jar will hold cash for the breast reduction surgery (yay scars) and meantime I can starve and work out myself thin. Or at least thinner.

Now, the rational bit of my mind tells me that this way of thinking is totally wrong, that I should stop worrying, that people like me even with those 25 kilos of fat (see, I'm realistic, in those days, ten years ago, I was around 70 and I disregard the fact that I wanted to be thinner, I wore size 38 and that is okay), that I should get therapy, that... that...

I just feel sad and lonely. It seems to me that I feel sad and lonely more often than people generally do but in fact, I don't know. Maybe all people feel incompetent and miserable all the time so I have nothing to worry about. The problem is that I'll never know, maybe everyone is pretending to be nice and jolly as I do. No, folks, I'm only pathetic.

In fact, I didn't feel that good those 10 years ago. At an exam, I just burst out crying that I'm totally stupid and useless and that I'm never ever going to achieve anything in my life. Now, I feel I was right. I'm not any smarter, I've done nothing too useful and achievements somehow fail to happen, too. I should've studied more. I should've studied at all.

Or maybe I'm not lonely at all. I do like being somewhere on my own, reading, knitting, doing nothing. Maybe it's only a dream never to be fulfilled, based on pulp novels, that people actually do have regular social life, maybe everyone just sits in the corner whining - who am I to know.



  1. :)..that is is kind of you, but older (almost 10 years) - as for the "was skinny, but i am not any more", need muuuuuch smaller breasts, have Cinderella foot size 42, used to have a zillion of doubts about myself (and still have from time to time but that is normal) ... hang on there, girl..., you will get happier in your skin with time you will see, and do not stop eating, that does not help anything

  2. Awww, po' babeeeee. You'll feel all warm, fuzzy and sunshiney soon, ya hear?

  3. Meankitty, yeah, sure, whatever. It's easy for you to feel all warm and fuzzy when you have eight cats. Not sure about that sunshine, though. But, well, I have to resort to booze and whining.

    Hana Carlton, no idea who you are and how come you found this place but welcome here and thanks for input. I'm not that annoying usually. At least I like to think so.

  4. Random hugs -- sorry to pop in uninvited. I was looking for the white sweater you referenced in CPAaG and saw a sad blog post. (Am not creepy stalker, I swear.)

    I hope things improve -- depression never "goes away" or "heals," but there can be upswings, as you said. Here's hoping those are on the way. In the meantime, even more hugs. (This is Bastet0330, btw. Forgot to put my "real" name.)

  5. Hana Carlton, your other post about my other usernames elsewhere was deleted. Sorry but I had a really creepy stalker. Creepy like vomiting when I heard a phone ring, and scared for my life creepy.
    Although in a few parts of the internet, it's a public secret that I use several aliases, it doesn't need to be known.